Reference
The Euphemism Index
35 standard phrases plus 16 found in the wild, tallied across 4 published stories. Jokes concern the wording, not any particular property.
The standard index
- “an entertainer's dream”
- The dining table has retained a publicist.
- Sharper: Your guests will adore it. You will be the one hosting them.
- Try a demo in the translator using “an entertainer's dream”
- “an exciting opportunity for the discerning buyer”
- Please discern carefully.
- Sharper: Discernment has been delegated, with confidence, to you.
- Try a demo in the translator using “an exciting opportunity for the discerning buyer”
- “bespoke”
- Made for someone. That someone is not named.
- Sharper: Tailored with great care to a previous person's measurements.
- Try a demo in the translator using “bespoke”
- “blank canvas”
- Paint, brushes, and artistic temperament are the buyer's responsibility.
- Sharper: The canvas is blank. The invoice will be considerably less so.
- Try a demo in the translator using “blank canvas”
- “bonus room”
- A room has been presented as a prize.
- Sharper: Congratulations: you have won a room of undetermined purpose.
- Try a demo in the translator using “bonus room”
- “brimming with original character”
- Several decades have been preserved for your financial participation.
- Sharper: The past has not been asked to leave, and it has not offered.
- Try a demo in the translator using “brimming with original character”
- “bring your vision”
- The seller has supplied the asking price. You will supply the rest.
- Sharper: Vision sold separately. Contractors, also separately.
- Try a demo in the translator using “bring your vision”
- “character”
- The house has a personality, and it predates you.
- Sharper: Character: what a house has instead of a recent permit history.
- Try a demo in the translator using “character”
- “charming”
- The listing would like you to feel something before you measure anything.
- Sharper: Charm has been offered where a measurement might have gone.
- Try a demo in the translator using “charming”
- “commuter's dream”
- The listing has chosen to describe the house in terms of leaving it.
- Sharper: Its most celebrated feature is the route away from it.
- Try a demo in the translator using “commuter's dream”
- “cosmetic updates”
- The listing has identified aesthetics as the remaining frontier.
- Sharper: Cosmetic, per the listing. Definition, per your contractor.
- Try a demo in the translator using “cosmetic updates”
- “cozy”
- Small, and emotionally reframed.
- Sharper: Cozy: a measurement expressed as a feeling.
- Try a demo in the translator using “cozy”
- “cozy urban sanctuary”
- Experience the convenience of being within arm's reach of everything you own.
- Sharper: Every possession you own is now, technically, a neighbor.
- Try a demo in the translator using “cozy urban sanctuary”
- “curated”
- Somebody chose these things on purpose.
- Sharper: Curated: decorated, but wearing a lanyard.
- Try a demo in the translator using “curated”
- “diamond in the rough”
- The listing has chosen to emphasize the rough.
- Sharper: Mining equipment not included.
- Try a demo in the translator using “diamond in the rough”
- “efficient”
- Each square foot has been informed that it is essential.
- Sharper: A floor plan that has stopped apologizing and started optimizing.
- Try a demo in the translator using “efficient”
- “endless potential”
- The present is available for viewing. The future is priced separately.
- Sharper: Potential is endless chiefly because it has not yet begun.
- Try a demo in the translator using “endless potential”
- “fixer-upper”
- The handyman, it has been decided, is you.
- Sharper: A home that has outsourced its renovation to its next owner.
- Try a demo in the translator using “fixer-upper”
- “flexible space”
- The room has not yet committed to an identity.
- Sharper: Flexible, in the sense that its purpose is open to discussion.
- Try a demo in the translator using “flexible space”
- “great bones”
- The skeleton has been commended. The remainder was not mentioned.
- Sharper: A compliment more commonly delivered at the end of a eulogy.
- Try a demo in the translator using “great bones”
- “indoor-outdoor living”
- There is a door, and it opens.
- Sharper: The boundary between inside and outside has been promoted to a lifestyle.
- Try a demo in the translator using “indoor-outdoor living”
- “intimate”
- The rooms have been encouraged to get to know you.
- Sharper: You and your furniture will be on a first-name basis.
- Try a demo in the translator using “intimate”
- “light-filled”
- Light has been invited and, per the listing, has accepted.
- Sharper: The daylight is doing a great deal of the marketing.
- Try a demo in the translator using “light-filled”
- “low maintenance”
- Minimal upkeep has been promised; by whom is unspecified.
- Sharper: Low maintenance, for the yard if not necessarily for the budget.
- Try a demo in the translator using “low maintenance”
- “motivated seller”
- The seller would like this to go well, and soon.
- Sharper: Motivation has been disclosed. Reasons have not.
- Try a demo in the translator using “motivated seller”
- “move-in ready”
- You may arrive with boxes rather than a contractor.
- Sharper: Ready, per the listing. Confirmed, per your inspector.
- Try a demo in the translator using “move-in ready”
- “must-see”
- The listing has firm views about your calendar.
- Sharper: Must-see: a description that doubles as a scheduling request.
- Try a demo in the translator using “must-see”
- “original details”
- Some features date from the original construction, and the listing is proud of them.
- Sharper: History, available as a fixture.
- Try a demo in the translator using “original details”
- “quaint”
- Small, in a manner presented as a decision.
- Sharper: Quaint is small wearing a cardigan.
- Try a demo in the translator using “quaint”
- “rare opportunity”
- Opportunities of this kind arrive, reportedly, rarely.
- Sharper: Rare, as every individual house technically is.
- Try a demo in the translator using “rare opportunity”
- “steps away”
- The listing measures distance in footwear.
- Sharper: The number of steps has been left as an exercise for the reader.
- Try a demo in the translator using “steps away”
- “sun-drenched”
- At least one window has been mentioned favorably.
- Sharper: The sun has been credited as co-listing agent.
- Try a demo in the translator using “sun-drenched”
- “TLC”
- Affection has been requested. A budget has been implied.
- Sharper: Love is not a line item, but it can be itemized.
- Try a demo in the translator using “TLC”
- “up-and-coming”
- The neighborhood has been described in the future tense.
- Sharper: Arrival time has not been confirmed.
- Try a demo in the translator using “up-and-coming”
- “vibrant”
- Other people are nearby and have opinions about music.
- Sharper: Vibrant: a word that can be heard at eleven p.m.
- Try a demo in the translator using “vibrant”
In the wild
- “a guest suite or fabulous family room with full bath”
- The room’s purpose is negotiable; its enthusiasm is settled.
- “a lifestyle defined by the coast”
- The neighborhood’s largest geographical feature supplies the closing argument.
- “a rare development opportunity”
- The proposed development has not been described.
- “a truly unique opportunity”
- Uniqueness receives an introductory endorsement before the details arrive.
- “an appealing balance of coastal tranquility and urban accessibility”
- The beach and Muni have been appointed joint lifestyle directors.
- “elevate the architectural experience”
- The elevator serves all levels; the sentence seeks a higher calling.
- “flexible spaces that can accommodate a variety of lifestyles”
- The rooms decline to prescribe your routine.
- “other living arrangements”
- The third bedroom’s remaining assignments are left to the buyer.
- “premium appliances”
- Their market position is supplied; their names are not.
- “Redefined living with spirit and soul”
- The yard’s duties extend beyond outdoor space.
- “spa-like bath”
- The bathroom receives a hospitality designation.
- “stands apart from typical San Francisco homes”
- The comparison is emphatic; the comparison group remains unspecified.
- “the ability to complete the final permitting process”
- The disclosed outstanding approvals return in the closing paragraph as an opportunity.
- “the scale and spirit of a neighborhood park”
- The comparison supplies atmosphere rather than lot dimensions.
- “Then the backyard reveals itself, and everything stops for a moment....”
- The tour includes a scheduled pause.
- “Thoughtfully refreshed”
- The specified work includes paint, refinished hardwood floors and new carpeting.